I cannot find a way to describe it
by Queen of fire and chaos
Summary: Bakura is beating Ryou and he's slowly dying inside. One shot fic, Rated pg13 for suicidal themes


Well, heres another fanfic for you to R&R. I hope you like it. I wrote it late last night so if it seems strange blame insomnia! Its a kind song fic so I don't know what you'll think. Its very morbid and Im rating it Pg13 for suicidal themes and abuse. Either way please R&R so I know if it was worthwhile typing it.

_I cannot find a way to describe it_

_Its there inside, all I do is hide_

"Well? Where were you?" Bakura snarled at Ryou, in his hand a thick leather belt, his eyes wild and angry, his mouth set in a thin, dark line.

"I...I had detention after school." Ryou replied, stuttering in his fear. Bakura would hurt him even worse then he already would if he'd known Ryou had been with Yugi and Co.

"Liar." Bakura swung the belt at his Hikari and it caught him across his chest. Ryou spun and landed on his knees, involuntarily he whimpered from the force of it and the pain...the pain that was always there and Bakura just kept adding to. He tried to crawl away, but his Yami laughed at him and kicked him. He fell sprawled out on the carpet, trying to disappear.... trying not to anger Bakura any further. He was falling into himself, hiding from the truth, hiding from the emotional and physical abuse he was gaining from his other half. But staying still and silent didn't working, it never did. All he could do was hope and pray that his Yami wouldn't take his time in hurting him like he sometimes did when he was very displeased. All he could do was pray.

_I wish that it would just go away_

_What would you do, you do if you knew._

_What would you do? Yeah._

At school the next day he found he was limping slightly, and as Tea caught up to him and asked him what was wrong he found himself wondering what the others would say if he told them. What would happen if he poured out his soul (that was slowly being corrupted) to his friends. Yugi had helped him once before, maybe he could help him again. But as he looked up and saw all his friends had finally gathered around him, he knew that he could never confess his secret and his shame. He didn't want to see the look of pity that they'd give him, or hear them trying to comfort him in vain. So he lied to them and they left him alone. He lied and lied and lied.

_All the pain I thought I knew all my thoughts lead back to you_

_Back to what was never said, back and forth inside my head._

As he walked home in the rain he found he couldn't stop thinking about his Yami. He found himself wishing he had Yugi's Yami. One who cared...one who helped One who encouraged him, instead of beating him and breaking him down. What would happen if he told his Yami this. If he stood up to the abuser and fought back. Smiling wryly he shook his head. It could never happen, he was weaker then his darkness and they both knew that. He was trapped in a vicious cycle that couldn't be broken...or could it. There was one place his Yami could never reach him. One place...but he wasn't brave enough. Not yet.

_I cant handle this confusion Im unable so come and take me away._

Shaking, Ryou stood up. His back was on fire from the beating he'd taken, and he couldn't stop the picture of his Yami's sneering face from coming back and haunting him. He walked painfully and slowly towards his bedroom. Opening the door he flinches as he straightens and he stands in front of his mirror. His pale, wraith-like reflection stares back at him, his eyes were those of a hunted animal, darting all around in terror that Bakura might come back. He wanted to break down...he felt he could no longer take this anymore. He couldn't live with such a monster. He couldn't even rid himself of it either. Tristan had tried to get rid of his Yami...and failed. Yugi had tried...and failed. As he opened the draw closest to his mirror and withdrew a piece of jagged glass he shivered. There was on way that he could end it. One way to end it all for good.

_I feel like I am all alone_

_All by myself I need to get around this_

_My words are cold I don't want them to hurt you _

_If I show you, I don't think you'd understand _

The next day he spent wandering around town saying good-bye to everything that he knew. One by one he visited all his favorite places, the park, the sea shore, even the shopping mall where he'd had such good times. What with Joey acting the fool, Tea trying to solve everyone's problems, Mai bitching over some preppy cheerleader who was making eyes at her man, Tristan flirting with the sales ladies Yugi and Yami arguing goodnaturedly...and him silently drowning in his sorrow. He paused glancing at each of his friends houses on the way home, wondering if he'd have the courage to go through what he was planning. As he passed Joeys house, he saw the blond boy wave at him and start to walk over. He knew he shouldn't have been doing things this way. He should have realised that he might bump into one of his friends. For Ra's sake, he was going past their houses, it was obviouse he'd meet one of them. And it would have to be Joey wouldnt it...Joey would know at once something was wrong. After all, didn't Joey sport similar bruises on his body? Didn't Joey of all people notice when Bakura was hiding something. He paused as his friend arrived.

"Hey Bakura, what ya doing this side of town?" His friend asked lightheartedly.

"Nothing, I was just passing by." Ryou's crisp accent wasn't masking his cold tone and he turned to go.

"Oh. Hey wait...you wanna come in for awhile?" Joey easily caught up to Ryou and walked along side him.

"No." Replied Bakura. Couldnt Joey get the fact he didnt want company?

"Well do you wanna go down to Yugi then. He and Yami would proberbly..." The blond carried on talking, oblivious to the fact his white haired friend wanted silence.

Ryou suddenly was filled with anger. "Just leave me alone."

"Wha?" His friends eyes betrayed his uncomprehension.

Ryou sneered, using one of his Yami's more undesirable traits. "You heard me...or are you too stupid to comprehend. Maybe I should send you to Kaiba for some dog training lessons."

Joey blinked in shock. "Okay,I think you've lost it."

"Hmm, guess you really are too stupid to understand. Poor little Joey, forever doomed to be a mutt. Maybe I should find Duke to borrow the dog suit again."

"Hey, thats uncalled for." Said Joey angrily.

"Then leave me alone." Bakura stalked off angrily in the opposite direction, leaving his friend confused and hurt behind him. He hated the fact he was lashing out.. But he couldnt run the risk of Joey figuring out what he was up to.

_Cos no one understands, understands Yeah!_

_All the pain I thought I knew all my thoughts lead back to you_

_Back to what was never said, back and forth inside my head._

_I can't handle this confusion. Im unable so come and take me away._

Ryou knew Bakura was only going to be back later. Going to the kitchen, he poured himself a glass of water, and walked to his bedroom. He set down the bottle he'd bought earlier on his desk and then sat down. He couldnt believe he was actually doing this...he was finally taking charge. He opened his desk draw and removed a blank piece of paper. Smoothing it out he sat thoughtful for afew minutes before he picked up a pen and slowly wrote the note he would leave behind. Every so often he would stop to pop afew pills into his mouth and swallowed them down with the water. Finishing the note, he folded it and left it lying on his desk. He had finished the pills ages ago and they were beginning to take affect. Smiling slightly, and picking up the piece of glass on his windowsill he walked over to his bed.

_Im going nowhere, on an on and..._

_Im getting nowhere on an on, so take me away_

_Im getting nowhere on and off and off and on and off and on_

He ran the glass over his wrist, slowly, lovingly and almost teasingly, then he started pushing lightly. Thinking of Bakura and his face twisted in anger coming for him he pushed harder until he broke the skin letting crimson drops fall onto the floor. But it wasnt enough yet. It hurt, but the pain he felt inside was still there. Closing his eyes he moved futher up his arm, slashing and slicing and wincing at the pain that was becoming numb, just like his body. If the pills didnt finish him off, the cuts should. Slowly he dropped the glass, the streams of crimson flowed and he was so tired. Collapsing onto his bed, he closed his eyes. The effort of keeping them open was too great.

_All the pain I thought I knew all my thoughts lead back to you_

_Back to what was never said, back and forth inside my head._

_I cant handle this confusion Im unable so come and take me away._

_Take me away, take away. _

Well? Good? bad? Sad? Please hit the review button and let me know.

Thanks in advance.

Queen of Fire and Chaos


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